The Free Will

Okay… sorry about the loud profanity as the title. But I’ve been wanting to say that line for the last two or three days.
*sighs*

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Hmmm…

Where should I start… Well… It’s final… I broke up with him. *sighs* Well, it’s like what I’ve said before, we’re drifted apart and eventually broke up. At least, it’s a clean break up… not less painful (anyone who said that there’s a no painful breakup probably never have a real lover).

He’s really a nice person, and I mean it. He taught me how to laugh, he could stand my 20% wrath, and he answered my macross question with full confident! xD Was it love? Probably, I don’t know, I didn’t think about it that way, and to be honest, I don’t want to think about it now. Sides, I don’t know and still choose not to know about what love is.

We had such a blast, despite that I was ’somewhat seducing’ him when I was tipsy (I really have to start to pay attention to myself whenever I drink and feel somewhat tipsy xD). I enjoyed my time with him, he made me see the world in a brighter way, he made me feel new emotions that I never realize exist within me, things like irritated, jealousy, doubt, worry, agitated, etc. In short, I can say with conviction that he enriched me.

But strangely, I forgot how to cry. No matter how angry I was, how irritated I was, or how random I was… I’ve never shed a single tear when I’m with him. Let me put this plainly, I’ll be blunt as everybody knows that there’s no smooth relationship (no, it’s not out from Love Generation’s True Love Never Run Smooth tagline, I said relationship. RELATIONSHIP!), just like life itself, there are up and down moments, and times where one is being stuck at a point and somehow unable to get out. And yeah, the last time I cried was somewhere around June-July 2008. Either that… or when my grandma passed away in 2006 (or was it 2005 >_>).

Another sad-but-true fact is, I didn’t cry when break up with him. Kinda weird… for most people… again, I’m the heartless bastard and I love that role. But after I met someone… somehow… the tears flow easier -.-a

I don’t know why or how, but it felt like he complete me with helping me remember how to cry (yay!). Hmmm… he used to hitting on me, but now we just stayed as best friends, partially my fault though xD But it’s okay. We have so many differences and it’s like a HUGE gamble if we tried to forced this one. Hmm… yeah, even though I’m still rash as before, I think now I have a good control over myself and not just go with ‘Sure, why not?! let’s go!’ xD

Anyway, it’s like now I found some more rant refugees xD Things that I can’t talk to someone, I can easily talk it out with another one… But why… why they are guys? I don’t mind male best friends, not that I never have one. But *shrugs* I just hope they can withstand my random tantrum and moodswings and not grossed out and run xD

Song Mood: Stevie Wonder – Overjoyed; Kimya Dawson – Viva La Persistence; Maroon 5 – Until You’re Over Me; Aerosmith – Crazy; Bloc Party – This Modern Love; Jamie Cullum – Everlasting Love; Paloma Faith – Technicolor

I know, the word (maybe) added some paradox or implying an innuendo on the title. Well, I’ve just finished reading Edensor, I know I know, it’s totally late, but heck… I read it for fun, not because in love with the first book. Well, for me, Laskar Pelangi was cute, but Sang Pemimpi was some kind of drawback since I didn’t see any fun, excitement, and thrill as in Laskar Pelangi. But when I read Edensor, *shrugs* for me, it’s like an adult version of Laskar Pelangi. There were some excitements, stupid moments, paradoxes, metaphors, in short, I like the book. Again, I took it as a fun-to-read book.

While reading Edensor, I got reminded that I have a hidden and unspeakable dream… that is, to live in Europe. As for now, I keep concealing it with Barcelona and Nou Camp as the reasons xD I know, my bad… but hey, it’s partially true! I do wanted to stay in Barcelona and watched their games for a whole year. All home games!!! Wow! Just thinking about the excitement when watching in Nou Camp, along with other Barca fans already sent shivers to my spine. Power of dreams? XD

Anyhow… it’s not like I’m giving up that idea… I keep pursuing it, until now… in my own way… I don’t want to go there for a short time visit and then bragged that I’ve finally watched El Barca live. Nah, it’s not what I want…
I want a permanent stay. I want to stay there… either married or not (one of most desperate ideas I have in mind is by asking a friend to marry me so I can stay there xD that might happen if I got desperate xD)

But… not many people knows… (as I also surprised at this weird ability of mine xD) I’m somewhat easy to give up my dream… *shrugs* maybe during time, I’ve learn to be phlegmatic, in disguise with my sanguine and choleric persona xD What a theory! But yeah… sometimes, I gave it up easily… maybe even without realizing it… now, when I think about it again… I don’t completely give up my dream easily… I admit I made fruitless and vain efforts… but… *shrugs* that’s the fun, no?

By the way, I’m thinking about a new tagline for this blog. If on Sakura theme, I made a short stanza, welcoming the reader… now I wanted a line… Well, I still love the line “where my surrealistic being is undoubtedly powerful.” but now I want to change the “anata wa mukashi no koibito…” line… Hmm… the line “Heaps of rambling written by a megalomaniac egocentric manipulative brat.” keep repeating in my head, use that? Or no? >__<

Song mood: Muse – Megalomania; Muse – Take a bow; Panic! At the disco – 4 in the afternoon; Aerosmith – Crazy; The Back Horn – Requiem; Damien Rice feat Lisa Hannigan – 9 Crimes; Goo Goo Dolls – Iris

It’s sad but true

But I used to love you

It’s sad but true

I have to admit, it’s you who made my days blue

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